Have you ever shared a TikTok video you found funny with your partner, only for them to dismiss it as silly or not funny at all?
How did you feel in that moment?
Or maybe you came home stressed after a long day at work and shared your struggles with your partner. Instead of listening, they immediately offered solutions on what you should do and how to fix the situation. While their intention was good, the interaction left you feeling unheard and unsatisfied.
These types of interactions happen all the time in relationships—whether we’re sharing something as small as a funny video or something as serious as a stressful day at work.
Bids for Connection
Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, calls these moments “bids for connection.” They are one of the key characteristics of successful couples and essential for building happy marriages.
What makes these bids for connection so powerful is one common element: Validation. It’s a skill that few of us are taught and something many people don’t receive often enough.
A personal story on validation
Let me share a story about how I learned this lesson myself:
I was having a conversation with my husband about surfing—something he loves and is very passionate about. He excitedly described the waves, the ocean’s beauty, and his experience on the water. After talking enthusiastically for a while, I simply responded with, “Cool.”
I immediately noticed his facial expression change—he seemed sad and disappointed. At first, I thought, “Well, at least I listened to what he had to say.”
Then, I reflected on how I would feel if I shared something important or exciting, only to get a dismissive response like “Cool.” I realized I hadn’t validated his emotions or excitement about surfing, even though I understood the concept of validation as a therapist.
He shared his experience with me because I’m important to him. That moment shifted how I respond to him, and I can honestly say that validation has been one of the most important factors in our happy marriage of 23 years.
How to Validate Your Partner
You might be wondering, “How do I validate my partner?” Here’s a simple two-step approach:
- Recognize the Emotion: Recognize what your partner might be feeling.
- Accept the Emotion: Acknowledge that the emotion they’re experiencing makes sense.
Example:
Your partner comes home and says:
“I had an argument with a coworker. She was extremely rude and inconsiderate when talking to me about an issue.”
You validate by responding:
“I can’t believe she treated you like that. I’d be angry too.”
In this response, you recognized the emotion (anger) and Accepted the feeling by acknowledging, “I’d feel the same way.”
What Validation Is Not
- Trying to Fix the Problem: “Next time, just ignore her.”
- Giving Advice: “I’d tell her off or report her to your boss.”
- Dismissing the Emotion: “It’s not a big deal; everyone has bad days.”
See the difference?
Barriers to Validation
- Centering Your Own Emotions: Putting your thoughts, emotions, and beliefs first instead of your partner’s.
- Struggling with Emotional Discomfort: Feeling uncomfortable with emotions like sadness or anger that your partner shares.
Learning how to validate your partner can transform how you communicate, improve your relationship, and strengthen the emotional bond in your marriage. By practicing this essential skill, you can create a more connected, compassionate, and supportive relationship. Better communication truly starts with validation.
If you struggle with validation or find that your emotions make it difficult to support your partner, therapy can help you explore and overcome those barriers. Visit my Couples Therapy page to learn more about how we can work together
