How to embrace family holidays and find joy during this season?
Fall! My favorite season. I love the feeling in the air, pumpkin season, and the start of the family holidays.
But let’s be honest…
For many of us, the holidays are complex. While they can bring joy, they often bring up a whirlwind of emotions and holiday stress. Visiting holidays can mean connecting with loved ones but also reminds us why we may not visit often. Differences in beliefs, values, and lifestyles can make gatherings uncomfortable, even triggering. Many of us carry unhealed past hurts, financial pressures, or memories of family struggles, all of which can create feelings of loneliness, shame, or sadness.
Holidays are supposed to be joyful and full of love, right? But when they don’t meet this ideal, it’s easy to feel as if something is wrong with us. Today, let’s talk about how to navigate these difficult feelings and experiences.
“Tor-Mentors” – What Are They?
“Tor-Mentors” is a concept from IFS therapy created by Dr. Dick Schwartz, referring to people or situations that challenge and destabilize us. While they may cause discomfort, they also mentor us by highlighting the parts of ourselves that need attention and healing. In IFS therapy, we learn that others’ actions often trigger parts of us that need our compassion and care.
During the holidays, these triggers might be more apparent and create difficult family dynamics. Instead of focusing on others’ behaviors, we can learn to bring kindness and curiosity to the parts of ourselves that feel vulnerable or wounded.
Let’s look at a few common holiday challenges and how we can turn them into moments of self-compassion.
Facing Perfectionism
Do you stress over finding the perfect gifts or planning the perfect holiday? Many of us feel pressure to make everything just right, wanting to be accepted and loved. Perfectionism often signals a hidden sense of shame or fear. If this sounds familiar, ask yourself, What am I afraid of if things aren’t perfect? Your answers might reveal deeper concerns, like fear of judgment or not feeling good enough. Recognize that you don’t need to be perfect to be worthy, and bring compassion to that part of you needing reassurance.
Navigating Difficult Family Dynamics
For those who grew up in challenging family environments, the holidays can bring up painful memories and stress. Rather than dwelling on “why” your family is the way it is, shift your focus to what you need to feel safe and comfortable. It could mean setting boundaries, limiting time with certain family members, or grieving what your family couldn’t provide. With curiosity and compassion, you can begin to honor your needs.
Managing Expectations
Does the look of disappointment from a family member make you feel uneasy? Perhaps you’re dreading the questions about your life choices. Instead of focusing on their expectations, ask yourself if you share the same values. Family expectations often reflect their values, not yours. Reassure yourself (and your inner child) that belonging doesn’t require meeting every expectation. Allow yourself to feel the sadness that might arise from unmet family expectations.
Finding Peace Amidst Tor-Mentors
The key to making peace with our “Tor-Mentors” is shifting focus from others to ourselves. When you feel triggered, tune into your body, notice the emotions that arise, and ask, What do I need in this moment? Give yourself the care and compassion you need.
The holidays can be challenging, but they’re also an opportunity to deepen self-understanding and cultivate inner peace. I hope these insights help you navigate the season with more ease and compassion. Wishing you a gentle and happy family holiday season!
